Daddy Issues

On Saturday I graduated from law school. And as excited and thankful as I was, something cast a pall over the celebration because my dad wasn’t there for me.

Yes, he and my stepmother came to the celebration. But they refused to sit on the same row as everyone else because my mother’s boyfriend (henceforth referred to as her partner, because saying boyfriend is weird at their age) was there. When I left the arena and came to hug my father, his words were not “Congratulations, I’m so proud of you” but “I love you but I hate that son of a b*tch.” When we went out to the courtyard, I was savoring the moment, chatting with my siblings but he broke it up to say “Let me get my pictures so we can leave.” He had told me earlier in the week that he had to work, and since then his sister had been taken to the hospital for surgery related to her cancer treatment. Understandable. But in his haste to leave he didn’t refer to that, he talked about how he couldn’t stand to be around my mom’s partner. As a gift, he gave me the money to treat everyone to lunch but stipulated that it wasn’t to be spent on “that man”.

The rest of us went to lunch and had a wonderful time. But it bugged me, not least of all because the words I thought I’d hear from my father came from my mom’s partner. He was the one who gave me a big hug and said, “Congratulations, I’m proud of you. You did good.” Today I spoke to him on the phone. He tried to explain himself and say that my mom’s partner says inappropriate things. “He is just so arrogant and pompous. He had the nerve to say- in front of me, your father~- that he needed to walk around and catch you so he could have the first picture.” I responded by saying he just likes to joke and you have to ignore it, and honestly I was a little disappointed because I felt that he let his dislike for my mom’s partner, overshadow my accomplishment. From there the conversation devolved into a monologue of how ungrateful I was, how dare I say that after all he’s done for me when mom’s partner has done nothing; that the fact he’s been around as long as my stepmom is irrelevant because he and my mom aren’t married; that if I take pictures with him at my wedding he’ll be hurt and disappointed. I only call when I need something and I didn’t even wish my stepmom a happy Mother’s Day (untrue on both counts).

I’m done.

I have spent the past 5 or 6 years of my life actively trying to build a better relationship with my father. He has always been emotionally distant. I thought that since I was growing up, that maybe we could start to speak on more equal footing, and that my feelings would matter just a little bit. But unless I’m showering him with praise, it goes south. My dad can recite every perceived wrong that I’ve done to him and my stepmother going back a decade or more, but the things I do right are summarily dismissed. It has become clear that he has no interest in my feelings. Anytime I do or say something he dislikes, he says I am selfish, greedy, ungrateful. If he’s in high dudgeon, there’s a guilt trip about how he won’t be around forever and I’ll regret not appreciating him while he was around to see it. Frankly, it’s starting to feel like emotional abuse and I’m not having it. I’ve wasted years of my life trying to be the perfect daughter in order to gain his approval but I finally see that will never happen. I’ll always love my father, but he does not have the right to be in my life just because we share DNA.

From now on, our relationship will be strictly surface level. I’m keeping all my opinions and feelings to myself. If it’s not about something neutral like the weather or the news, or impossible to avoid like the wedding? I’m not speaking on it. I thought we could be open and honest with each other but he either can’t handle it or doesn’t want to be bothered. But I won’t continue to put myself in situations where he is going to belittle me. I have yelled, screamed, cursed and shed tears over how my father treats me and I won’t do it anymore. It’s not worth it. If he asks why I’m acting so distant, I’ll tell him–but only one time. I’m sure my honesty will incite more bad behavior on his part, but I think it’s fair to give people an opportunity to change. From now on, the ball is in  his court. When he’s ready to treat me with respect and kindness, even when my actions don’t please him, I’ll be waiting.

 

 

 

 

Why I hated law school

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you know that law school was not really a great experience for me. To be blunt, I hated it and 10 days before graduation, I’ve finally figured out what it was exactly that made me so miserable. Orangeville was definitely not a city I enjoyed, but if law school had been better, it wouldn’t have bothered me quite as much. The fact is that law school is intellectually stifling. I was lucky enough to go to Georgia Tech, which is a school that prides itself on preparing students for the real world by having a cutting edge curriculum and pedagogy methods, along with opportunities to conduct their own original research and work in their desired field (GO JACKETS!). This was true across the STEM fields, social sciences and liberal arts. In law school, innovative thought is not cultivated (despite the level of creativity attorneys must frequently engage in to shape legal precedent to their client’s purpose). Almost nothing has changed about legal instruction in the past century. It’s the Socratic method and case briefing. That’s it. Most discussion classes merely allow students the chance to take a turn spouting accepted legal theory.

I was especially disappointed because Orange Law has a national reputation as a top 1o school for public interest law and legal writing. Yet, outside of two or three elective courses, any notion of how the law is impacted by politics and social movements is irrelevant and thus completely ignored (except for the one day you discuss the role public policy has in certain methods of statutory interpretation). The legal writing curriculum is completely disorganized–there is no consistency from one professor to another. And it wasn’t until my senior seminar, taught by a new professor with Marxist leanings who wrote her own legal writing textbook, that I figured it out. This was because she analogized the parts of a social science research paper to those of a brief or memo. So obvious, right? So why didn’t I get that in any of the 9 mandatory credit hours of legal writing instruction I took??? Add to that a pervasive elitism that causes the administration to value the welfare of only the students ranked in the top 25% of the class, along with a largely conservative student population which has not been exposed to racial diversity and you’ve got a recipe for 3 years in hell.

 

Graduating feels like a liberation for me. Was the end result worth the torture? I’m not sure yet. My loan debt burden is less than half of the average law student’s. I made some great friends and I have a degree that commands respect and enables me to be my own boss whenever I so choose. I definitely learned a lot about how the real world works, and what kind of career lifestyle I want (for one, I refuse to work anywhere that prizes tradition over a rational & productive end result). Some days I feel like all that made it worth it, sometimes I don’t but all I can do now is make the best of it.

Currently…

Felt like blogging but not about anything serious. Saw this circulating around as I caught up on the past few weeks of posts in my Feedly over the weekend so here goes!

 

Currently about to start cooking dinner.

Currently needing to study for my income tax exam next week…*sigh*

Currently wanting to get my diploma already #soIknowit’sreal

Current Book is the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett (a great satirical fantasy collection). I have them all in paperback but just got the digital versions, so I’m about to start re-reading them ^_^

Currently drinking water.

Current Excitement- moving in with Tex. I still have to move a few more things from my apartment and clean up for inspection, but from here on out we’re living together full time! If I knew how to do cartwheels I’d be doing them right now.

Current fashion trend I’m loving is lace. I actually just got a beautiful cerulean top with lace trim around the collar.

Current Favorite Blog is The Curvy Fashionista.

Current Food obsession is protein powder. I finally found one that doesn’t upset my stomach, now I just have to figure out the

Current Song I’m jamming to is “Pour It Up” by Rihanna. She’s not much of a singer but I love her rap steeze.

Current Indulgence is a Chick-fil-A fudge brownie since it’s getting dropped from the menu

Currently Pondering whether to take out a small  bar study loan to cover the other half of my bar prep/bar application costs.

Current New Find is  Stylit.com, which sends you weekly outfit suggestions based on your personal style. Given my current employment status I need some help shopping my closet!

Currently wearing green cropped pants, a chambray shirt and plaid flats. #imfancyhuh

Current Weather is sunny, in the 70s with a light breeze.

Current Peeve is the pollen. Definitely puts a damper on my enjoyment of the spring weather.

Current Triumph is that I’ve been moving out of my apartment gradually through the semester, so I don’t have to drive home a U-Haul after graduation!

Current TV Show is Elementary, the Sherlock Holmes reboot on CBS starring Lucy Liu as Watson. I love it. Their Sherlock has all the classic traits, with a modern twist. It doesn’t feel at all derivative.

Currently Listening to an episode of Duck Dynasty that Tex is watching in the living room.

Currently delaying studying income tax. Sometimes your brain just needs a break and today is one of those times!

Currently planting seeds of success in my mind

Currently planning my post-graduation frolics! Can’t wait to hang out with my peeps.

Currently feeling anxious to be completely done with law school!

Currently loving my wedding invitations! They came out really well.

Currently looking for a J-O-B. Holla at me.

Currently finding out that half of my classmates hated law school as much as I did, they just wouldn’t admit it til now.

Currently savoring the quality time I’m getting with Tex. No more Sunday goodbyes!

Currently dreaming of my wedding day.

Sunday morning

Thought I’d get a quick post in this morning. Last week was really hectic; I had a paper to write for local government law that is due this Wednesday (assigned less than 2 weeks ago) on a topic I knew nothing about. I feel like I have a billion things to get through before graduation, but that paper was stressing me out the most. I did surprisingly well on my seminar memo, so I’m no longer worried about the brief since I’m writing on the same fact pattern (copy and paste FTW!). The saddest thing is moving out of my first (and only) apartment on my own and knowing I’ll no longer see my friends every week. Somewhere along the way, the folks I thought I was just passing the time with went from being people I go to school with, to law school friends, and now just simply, friends. I don’t make those easily so it’s kind of amazing to me.

I’m glad that I’m able to move in with Tex and finally be under the same roof full-time! Still nervous about the job search but keeping the faith, even though my dwindling bank account balance and the amount of money I’ll need to take the bar exam make me sick to my stomach. As far as the bar exam goes, I know my dad will probably cover at least half of it but I just hate to have to ask. Thank God I don’t have to move back home though.

Things are changing…for the better I hope. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do on the rollercoaster ride of life but hold on.

The road to fitness

 

I talk a good talk when it comes to nutrition and fitness. I have good intentions, I really do! My habits aren’t terrible, but they could still be a lot better. For instance, take my New Year’s resolutions which I have completely abandoned. I’ve gotten to the stage of change where I’ve evaluated my habits and want to improve them, but I feel stuck in a rut. Basically, I’m not completely comfortable with my current weight but I’m not so uncomfortable that staying this way perpetually is frightening. I know I can reach my goals, but my motivation always flags. Part of this is due to law school. When you expend so much time and effort trying to succeed at something you don’t like, even if it’s in the service of a greater goal, you don’t have much left for sweeping life changes. Thank God law school will be over FOREVER in a few weeks. Still, I had this problem even when I was in undergrad and enjoyed most of my classes. So what’s the underlying reason?

I’ll give you one word: perfectionism. See, I’m an all-or-nothing type of person in life.*We’re either really good friends, or acquaintances. I’m either working and being productive, or straight chillin’. If I don’t like something, be it a certain food, type of music, whatever, there’s nothing to discuss. So when it comes to healthy habits I always put this immense pressure on myself to be The Ultimate Fit Person. Hour-long workouts at least 3x/wk, eating healthy home cooked meals 90% of the time. The one who actually rolls out of bed and does 50 jumping jacks, squats and crunches and a couple sun salutations before bed at night. I fall far short of that and my efforts to catch up always seemed futile. But it’s finally sunk in for me that when it comes to your health, every little bit counts. As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and I’ve experienced it personally. In spring 2009, I went in for a physical and was told I had borderline high cholesterol- my triglycerides were elevated and my HDL were low. After that, I started working out twice a week (as opposed to twice a month), and eating home cooked meals 60-70% of the time instead of 30-40% of the time. Guess what? At my physical in fall 2012, all my cholesterol levels were back in the healthy range.

At this point I’ve realized that I just need to lower my expectations. Normally that’s a bad thing, but when you’re trying to live up to a standard that doesn’t fit you, it just increases your feelings of failure and makes you want to throw in the towel. I was perusing Dr. Oz’s website today when I saw an article called “Finding Your Diet and Exercise Type” and something just clicked. Of course I hate working out because I try to do Jillian Michaels’s bootcamp style DVDs knowing full well that her drill instructor style makes me cringe. As a thick girl, plyometrics are hard on my breasts and my knees. Running? Let’s not even talk about. Yoga and pilates are a snoozefest. But you know what I do like? Walking. Yep, plain old boring walking. My mom is a lifelong power walker and I used to love tagging along with her. It’s the always leaves me feeling energized as opposed to searching for the nearest flat surface to flop down on. But despite being an easy, highly effective form of exercise, walking just isn’t popular anymore except among the AARP set. All the fitness buzz centers on CrossFit, P90X, Turbo Fire, etc. So instead of forcing myself to do workouts that I dread, I’m just going to stick to walking and weight training (gotta get these arms & booty right for my wedding gown!). Keep it simple.

*Part of the reason me and law school didn’t get along!

 

Girls Run the World

“Why don’t women get along? Because we believe that being bad is better than being powerful.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Much of what we say to women about a woman we don’t like boils down to “Who does she think she is?” And sometimes, it’s legitimate. I’m the last one to tell you that we can all be kumbayah, all the time because some people are just flat out rude. BUT. You should not let someone else’s behavior dictate your own, and no matter how justified you may feel in disliking someone, it doesn’t give you license to cut a fool too. However, those situations are not the ones that I want to talk about. I want to talk about why it is that we so often say, “I just don’t like that chick” on first impression. While I’ve definitely uttered those words more than once, I’ve much more often been on the receiving end. People (90% being the female variety) have told me that I’m spoiled, stuck up, arrogant, unfriendly. This usually followed a time where I was not deemed to be accommodating enough to other people’s agendas. When conversations arise that result in me voicing my high expectations for suitors; situations where I affirm my belief in self-care and say “no” to something; when I refuse to bend over backwards or change myself to convince someone to like me- that is when I am suddenly, “too much.” But why is that?

The Iyanla quote above made me think: when we unabashedly set high expectations, we are exercising our power. And that is uncomfortable because women are socialized to hide it. We are victims of learned helplessness. Somewhere along the way, we allowed ourselves to be convinced that feminine softness, or the idea of Biblical submission, meant that we were obligated to be everything that men wanted and ask permission for our autonomy. No, not at all! The way I see it ,being a woman simply means that you don’t use a bludgeon where a stick will do. Countless studies have shown that women’s tendency to lead by consensus, and collaborate in the workplace, is just as effective when strategically deployed as more aggressive leadership techniques. And note that I said “strategically”: the nicest person in the room doesn’t usually win in business, but you can also look out for your own interests without trampling on others. And there is also power in putting yourself first. Women also absorb the idea that we need to be everything to everybody and end up putting themselves last. I rebuke that notion. As the youngest child in my family and a self-proclaimed princess, putting myself first isn’t as hard for me as it is for others. I know that if I’m not good to myself, I can’t be the best student/lover/friend/sister/worker that I can be. I feel no shame in asking for help when I need it, or letting myself be pampered because when I am happy and healthy and grounded, I have nothing but positive energy to put out into the world.

So what about you? Are you comfortable claiming your power?

Divorce is for rich people

[Now would be a good time to remind you all that I AM NOT A LAWYER AND THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. This is purely my own opinion and should not be relied upon in any legal situation!]

What is the value of a marriage? Should we take into account:

-The intangible cost of sacrificing the complete autonomy of singlehood, and

-Increase/decrease in earning potential as incurred by a working/nonworking spouse

-Money saved through tax breaks & sharing of the household bills

Whenever a celebrity couple splits, people get up in arms over how much money the man has to pay in child support and alimony. “Baby clothes don’t cost $10,000 a month.” “She shouldn’t be able to live off that man the rest of her life.” Etc, etc. It’s really annoying to me because I don’t think that child support and most alimony are usually unreasonable.

As far as child support, I take a hard line stance for sure. Women don’t make babies alone and if a man is able bodied, why shouldn’t he be compelled to support the people he helped bring into the world? I don’t care how bitter the divorce was, or how much you hate your ex, NOTHING should get in the way of providing for your child. Not your dislike for ex, or your remarriage, or anything else. (Oh, and by the way- paying your child support is not a substitute for spending time with your children!) Where alimony is concerned, it’s just “cheaper to keep her.” Think about the type of lifestyle you want to have and choose your mate accordingly! Penelope Trunk wrote brilliantly about how to pick a wife and how to pick a husband if you want to have kids. It’s very practical and debunks our cultural narrative that marriage is solely about love. If you want to have a full-time stay at home spouse, be prepared to shell out alimony in the event of a divorce because the court recognizes that staying out of the job market is an economic sacrifice that negatively impacts your future earning potential. When you marry someone (educated or not) and allow them to be a homemaker, you are taking on the responsibility for their standard of living. They keep the house and kids orderly, you bring home the money that pays the bills. That is the implied contractual agreement. Alimony, in a sense, is paying back the benefit you’ve received during their marriage from the other person’s sacrifice.

Divorce can be devastating not just emotionally, but financially. During my externship in the fall, I sat in on divorce court and it really drove home to me how expensive divorce is. Attorneys cost a grip but in this economy, a lot of people are just barely able to make it because of the savings, benefits and economies of scale that living together as a married couple provides. After a divorce, both parties end up living on less than half of what they were living off of together, and if you didn’t have a huge income to begin with that’s a serious problem. Regular folks have more to lose than celebrities, and I think more people should talk about  prenups. Notice I said “talk about” instead of “get”. That’s because the real root of the issue is that not enough people talk about money before they get married, despite it being one of the top causes for divorce. Discussing your credit score, how many kids you want to have, and how you might handle relocating for your career isn’t cute or fun or sexy, but it’s necessary. As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.